crossroads

it's funny, now that i'm finally looking back on the path i chose. although it was a crossing of roads at the time, i see now that it was more like a detour... no matter what choice i took, i would have ended up in the same place. if i had gone with the possibility of what was already taken place, i would have inevitably chosen the other later, and thus ended up exactly where i am now. and even though i chose the other first, i'm still at the same place... these events were unavoidable in every possible way. there was never any hope to get out of this mess unscathed; it was never even possible to keep this awful mess from happening. it was set before me by someone else; i did not bring the foundations of this upon myself. although the choices were mine in the end, the circumstances were not given to me by choice... i guess it's time to start getting over it. this is life; get used to it, right?

end of frustration!

for now. hah such faith i have, right? finally things have begun to turn in a positive direction; finally i can say i have made a decision; finally i'm not worried anymore. although it was a mess at times, it was nowhere near the extreme of how bad it could have been. with these troubles gone, i can at last begin to start what seems to be a new season... let's see how this goes. :)

frustration

i'm getting so tired of these strange messes that find their way into my life. things that normally wouldn't concern me or should never have involved me find a path into my mind, and it ends up taking all of my concentration just to attempt to fathom the strangeness. so many choices, so many possibilities, so many consequences no matter what i choose; why must everything always have a downside? i know; that's life. but why does life always have a downside? why aren't there some things that only hold positive outcomes? why does everything good have to come with at least one thing bad? why must everyone strive for their dreams if they know they will encounter some negativity with whatever outcome they receive? why does this happen? i just don't understand. why can't there ever be, just for an instant, a clear path to take? an answer, something that doesn't have to be debated by the conscience and heart first? why can't we just run with whatever happens? why is it so hard for the heart to be followed in its journey? why do we have such little faith in ourselves as people, as humans? why do we always feel that we're making the wrong decision for one reason or another, even when we're not? why can't some things just be SIMPLE? oh, the questions nobody can answer...

summer '09

filled with shattered hopes
and broken hearts
a sure letdown from the start
nothing but short lived fantasies


why does it always happen like this?
each year we say we'll make it amazing
but something or someone always gets in the way...

it's just an expression

for some reason i feel the need to spill my thoughts on this; i can't concentrate on anything until these words are put into reality. for a while now i have been telling myself that i don't need this, that i don't need or want much to do with you, that it's all done, but today i relapsed once again. i had decided i was fine without you, that i was moving on from this little... detour i took for a while. something else caught my eye and i was diving headfirst into the new and shooting straight out of the old, but today it's a different story. instead of feeling the breeze in my hair as i run after the future and keep pushing through these changes that occur, today i feel as though a brick wall that is miles long has been placed in my path. not only am i stuck, but it's as if i'm in some foreign country; nobody else is here with me, not even you. i can't understand what's going on here, and maybe i don't need to, but it still brings confusion. i waste my time just trying to fathom simple thoughts; i daydream in class about the past; i relive the truth and every other possibility in my mind several times a day; i replay things the way i remember them, and maybe even the way i wanted them to happen. is this bad? i don't even know what i'm trying to say here... i just need to ramble for a little before i am relieved. you probably won't ever see this; in fact, i hope you don't. these are things that i will never bring to your attention, not ever.


i've asked with the right intent and bright eyes
but what i can't seem to figure out is how and why
and i can't seem to handle it